A FORM! A FORM! A FORM! A FORM! A FORM!


A hill of books with grass and trampolines
decides to cook the books and kill the grass
as big league umps pretend to sleep in class
while sheiks contrive to paint with gasolines

a portrait of the way their lean-to leans
into the wind that cuts like broken glass
across the plains where Cher conducted mass
before she gave up gods for other means

of learning how a Yorkshire tabby lands
upon its feet no matter what the score
between the Cubs and Pirates is when rain

begins to fall and wet the greasy hands
of ballpark vendors pounding on my door
above which spreads a clever little stain.

SONNET


Cold cuts in the bath
Cold cuts in the bath
Cold cuts in the bath
Cold cuts in the bath

Cold cuts in the bath
Cold cuts in the bath
Cold cuts in the bath
Cold cuts in the bath

Cold cuts in the bath
Cold cuts in the bath
Cold cuts in the bath
Cold cuts in the bath

Cold cuts in the bath
Cold cuts in the bath

AVERAGE BED


Not too high off the ground
not too low to the ground
not to burst your bubble
but your bed is merely average
it "cuts the mustard" only slightly

Everything is trivial.

How to win an argument

"I don't want to talk about it anymore, therefore I win."

I...drink...your...MILKSHAKE!

hdjbbsjdhakdpfkfmcjfhsjdjdjxbbbdbqhxxjfjfhfuwiqjqhcjcjfjfdpfkfnfncnjckcjcjfjshwhshdhcjcjjfjdjdjjcjjjjghjihfjffdpboohhkhkdhshqjsiffvjdiwjsjdhjcuejxificdjxjdhxhdhfhcenshqhshdhsgjggdgdhfjfjgpbngngjcjdjchcbfhcjfidjdjhfhxjfbxjjinnghstgxffsgynjohhjkkjhefkyjidojsdsdffghhjikmhhhfvjjgdsjdhcnddxhjfkojjhbgdasshfhthjlmfjfjdbehsjsjsjsjwkwkwjaodpfofjfjdjdjwjshcjfjfhdjdjfjfjfkgmcjxkdjdkfjdjwhdhqhwhdhdjdjdjdjwnsnfjfjfjfkfigjjnfjfkvoghkhjgjchshqhsgcgxhehdhcjtjgjgkgogoghphphkwjgjfjwhshhcjfhdjjwjdjcjjfjjdjehsbcfcbfhfhfhfhehwywybjfifnfkgngogngogjgifcejwhqgsyxbfufnfjfnfidnfkcnfifnfodhffjjgugugjcfcjwkqosowpdkccncjfjfjjcjciejdkxjcjcnfjcjjujcjfjcjcjffugjfgododjdkss

AFTER THE RENOVATION


What became of the wallpaper
was never discussed
among us pro-wood-panelling types.

As if on cue, what music comes piping through my earphones as I wrap up the previous post? Why, it's none other than...

The Royal Scots Dragoon Guards!!!

I'm not saying the logical way is always the way to go, but I like a little logic in my life wherever I can get it. If we lived in a logical world, wouldn't men be the ones to wear skirts and dresses, given our anatomy? The Scots have it right in this regard. RULE BRITANNIA!!!!!!!!! (Scotland counts, right? I mean, it's part of Great Britain.)

"Of course, this book will have consequences."

Really? In what universe would that be? Because in this one—despite the wishful thinking of certain sanctimonious commentators—poetry does not have political consequences. Hell, most elections don't have political consequences (except the negative kind).

The war in Iraq will go on no matter how many poems are written saying how bad it is. People in certain theocratic countries will still be getting their heads chopped off no matter how many poorly-translated imported protest poems show up in American literary journals.

I'm so sick of this "political poetry" debate that I don't even feel like saying anything more about it in this post. Indeed, I have an urgent desire to discuss anything else. Doesn't matter what. Tulsa, for example. Let's talk about Tulsa. The band, I mean, not the city. I am not a fan of Tulsa, the band. I have never been to Tulsa, the city, and I have no desire ever to go there. Would I like it? Doubt it. Then again, I've never seen such flatness as can be found in the "Plains states", which many people incorrectly consider part of the Midwest. Here are the Midwestern states: Indiana, Ohio, Michigan, Illinois, Iowa, Minnesota, Missouri, and Wisconsin, in the order in which they occurred to me. If your state lies west of the Mississippi River, your state is not a Midwestern state. It is a Plains state. If your state is West Virginia, your state is special, because it is not a firm member of any one region. Kudos to you, West Virginia—or as I like to call you, "the W.V."—for breaking off from Confederate Virginia during the Civil War. You're a State among states.

ANFSCD. (And now for something completely different.) I think the British do it right where quotation marks and punctuation are concerned. Americans like their commas and periods to be inside the quotations marks, probably because they feel it's visually pleasing, whereas those wise Anglo-Saxons abroad prefer the logical approach, putting those pesky punctuation marks outside the quotes. They make sure the quotes (or as they say, "inverted commas") hug the words that are being quoted, visual aesthetics be damned.

RULE BRITANNIA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Another band I am not a fan of is The Go! Team.

Ghostland Observatory I can imagine liking in certain contexts.

This is disappointing. It's also unfair, petty, and ridiculous.

Has anyone else heard that Terre Haute is the only place in the country where people use the term "railroaded" to mean getting stopped by a train? Is it true that nowhere else do people who are late for work or school give the excuse, "I got railroaded"? I can't find any online dictionaries that include this definition, but Terre Hautians use it all the time.

Farmer hides castle from building inspectors

"I understand there is also a cannon."

A special place in Hell

for people like her. If only I believed in such things.

Oh, and while I'm at it, don't forget the Westboro Bullshit Church.

A LOT OF RYANS


Illinois Governor George Ryan,
no relation to Illinois Attorney General Jim Ryan,
once said to me, "The only good Ryan
is a Nolan Ryan."
"Oh yeah?" I said, "Tell that to actress Jeri Ryan,
ex-wife of disgraced Illinois senate candidate Jack Ryan,
no relation to Governor George Ryan
or Attorney General Jim Ryan,
and not to be confused with Tom Clancy's Jack Ryan
or Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband, Jack Ryan,
who redesigned the Barbie doll, not to be confused with Jeri Ryan,
whose allegations of sexual shenanigans against ex-husband Jack Ryan
led to the election of Senator Barack Obama. Clearly, Jeri Ryan
is the finest of all Ryans."

Happy Birthday, George Gordon, Lord Byron

So here's something I never realized. Apparently my birthday is Roe v. Wade day. I guess January 22 is an even more important date in history than I thought. I'm in good company.

Two of the best movies I've ever seen in the theater came out just weeks apart. No Country for Old Men. There Will Be Blood. See them.

THREADING THE WICKETS


When I was a boy
growing up in England
in the late 1920's
we played a lot of croquet.

FEAR OF A BELGIAN


In Belgium this guy
I know dreamt me up
before I knew what
was happening he
castigated me for not
being more open with him

turns out I didn't
know him that well
nor he me though he
sought my co-op
I said I'm not a
member of one I live
in a utility
shed not far
from Seattle's Space Needle

"Bam! bam! bam! bam!
bam! bam! bam! bam!"
says the fist of the
nonbelieving Belgian
man outside my door

LEAVING THE CULT (MAYBE)


A lot of my best friends are getting married

TO EACH OTHER!!!

Longstanding personal grievances notwithstanding
I plan to attend the wedding

The only question remaining is

Shall I be the best man
Or shall I forget the whole thing and become a fisherman

WATERMELON


Some of the juice that came out of the watermelon
ended up on the shoe
that met the ground as easily as a protagonist does
an antagonist near the end of the movie

There never was a watermelon

There was a quashed rumor about it though, that's what
you must be thinking of

My writing sample

Welcome to my writing sample. It is the only sample of my writing in existence, as far as I know. I have samples of many other things, like wallpaper. I'm supposed to decide which one is best. I don't know how to decide. If I did I would have done so by now. Color is one aspect of the choosing. Another is texture. Still another is pattern. What would go well with the room in which I plan to paper the wall? How is this room used, and by whom? These are questions I should be asking myself, but my preference is to sit quietly in the half-bath and file my nails as I wait for the century to blow over. Sorry, I meant storm of the century to blow over. I get the strangest cravings as I sit here. I get the heebie-jeebies just thinking about it. I think about it so much that I am never without the heebie-jeebies. Sometimes I impersonate Veronica Lake so well that people swear I'm doing Constance Ockelman. And that, my friends, is my writing sample.

I would not be lying if I said, "I am currently sitting on a chair with no pants, allowing a prescription hydrocortisone to dry." I would, however, be leading you to believe, erroneously, that the chair on which I am sitting was at one time wearing pants. Do not be fooled. My chair wears only shorts.

11/10/07

HOME


Three trees make a "pod" of trees.
Very few people are aware of how much
I love to go sledding,
but without smacking into a tree.

A desk has certain properties—

THIS POEM IS YOUR POEM


Joan Rivers is winning
me over. I am at home
in my sneakers. Popcorn
might be good later.

These statements are best when taken out
of context, shown a good time, and released
into the custody of the dictionary.