Two Forks Instead of One

        Archibald Ainsworth, aged 5 and one-third, had started using two forks at supper instead of one. By holding one fork in each hand, alternating with each bite, he hoped to finish his roast beef in half the time. When his mother, Abigail, who always cut his meat for him, noticed this latest in a long series of peculiar habits, she thought little of it, assuming it was a phase. And whether it was a phase or not, there didn't seem to be any harm in it—who knows, she thought, maybe the child was on to something. Maybe one really could cut one's suppertime in half by using two forks instead of just one, a technique heretofore untried in all of Western history, for all she knew. And if indeed it could be done, imagine the rewards this benefit to society would bring! Scholarships, donations, parades—no, no parades, that's silly, she mustn't be too prideful, Abigail reminded herself—oh!—but it was even possible that her son's patented bi-forked dining method would come to be known by his very name—"Ainsworthing", it would be called, perhaps shortened, in time, to "sworthing" (or "swerthing" in America). "To sworth", the textbooks would read, "is to save time at supper by using two forks instead of one. The technique is named for its inventor, Tory MP Sir Archibald Ainsworth, who was felled by an assassin's bullet on Novem—" Good lord! Abigail dropped her knitting and ran out of the house, screaming, "Archie! My Archie! They're going to kill my baby! Oh!"