People used to say movies weren't an art form. Now some people say that about TV. Why? The best TV shows of the last decade are as well-made as movies, so why no respect? My guess is that most people who "don't watch TV" are basing their idea of what TV is on mediocre shows, rather than really paying attention to the good ones. The best shows, like the ones I mentioned here, affect me just as much and sometimes more than movies and books. And if you watch the commentary tracks for shows like Mad Men, you can see how passionate the people who work on the shows are. They take it just as seriously as authors take their books. All art forms are created equal. They each do things that can't be done in any other form. TV, for example, allows you to follow the lives of characters over years, and to get to a level of depth and detail that a two-hour movie just can't allow for. Music, poetry, TV, scrimshaw, it's all equal.

Your book sucks

is something I wish I could say about a couple of much-hyped small press poetry books that have come out in recent months. But how do you give a book a 1 or 2-star rating without hurting someone's feelings?

JOHN BOEHNER WILL NOT STOP PUTTING GROSS TACOS IN ME


Thank God for honest people like John Boehner,
A southwestern Ohio Republican who goes into Taco Bell
And sees that he can eat a taco made out of polar bears and lipstick.

Personally, the idea fills me with unmanly squee.
Don't expect me to get wet over beef. Dude, if you tickle me,
I'm not responsible for your injuries after, okay?
And that does not make me racist.

Say what you will about John Boehner, you DO NOT want to engage him in a game of
Spontaneously changing form into a ginormous taco
To artificially deflate the cost of labor.
Things do not get any simpler when demons and magic are involved.

Meanwhile, a skinny blonde one table over has spent 15 minutes putting on makeup.
A few years back, she committed the unthinkable sin of partnering with Taco Bell,
Thinking outside the cow for money. I could write a bunch here
About why this is dumb as hell. I can tell you this:
I can tell you that I'm putting my sock on now.

We are just going to sit here and eat a cold chicken taco until
John Boehner and Paul Ryan double down on destroying Medicare by attacking AARP.
Talk about two people who will not be taking their talents to South Beach.
Thinking they do makes me (I mean you) look like a bitch, and
I totally agree, sleeping with dogs is gross!

I will never forget the first time I cranked up the Gross National Debt
After pissing out a Long John Silver's fish taco platter
Early on Saturday morning. Not anymore.
I'll never voluntarily turn that thing on again.

Also I am not sure if they will rent me the monkey this year.
My son tripped and sat on him, and it went from sad to gross.

Do you eat the last little tip of the banana?
This question is being debated vociferously in Israel today,
Not only by academics. I just hope that John Boehner will tell me if
It's a place where the guys are hot and not gross.

A cappella version of "All Along the Watchtower" from Battlestar Galactica

IMPRESS YOUR FRIENDS WITH ADVANCED ANAL GRAMMY AWARDS


For those of you who crave dildo and anal training without being into the "feminization"
I can understand your frustration with the “your time is up” music.
Personally, I wouldn't look at Neil Young as a form of hip hop dance tutorial
Including the sphincter muscles of the anus and the vagina.

The act of persuading members of the opposite sex to crush ruthlessly
Any wife, sweetheart, or cute girl whom you want to impress
Will disappoint old fans and that will impress potential new followers.
Share some of your favorite memories in the comments section.
Anal fissures? Hot dog fingers? A classic.

Wherever you are today, get out your Yo-Yo and impress your friends, family,
Shredder guitarist and Grammy Award nominee Stephen Bogle, and
Destroy your enemies! CLOWNING IS NO LAUGHING MATTER.

We mess with my friend's anal roommate by bringing over someone he's never met,
Multi-platinum, Grammy award-winning rapper and best-selling author LL Cool J,
Doing some rather advanced forms of innocent sexual perversions.

The end of the world as we know it (TEOTWAWKI)
Will render pointless the cascade of anal sex jokes that inevitably follow.

Allow me to recommend: Battlestar Galactica

So pretty much every night for the last six weeks I've been watching Battlestar Galactica, and I finally finished it on Saturday. I never saw it when it was on TV because I didn't have cable. I was never really that interested in it anyway, but then one night I was probably bored and looking for things to watch on Netflix Instant. So I thought I would give it a shot. I was hooked right away. This is a show where you just want to hit the "play next episode" button every time. It takes discipline to watch only two or three episodes a day. I can't imagine what it would be like having to wait an entire week between each one. Anyway, along with Mad Men, this is one of the two best TV shows I've seen since Deadwood, Carnivale, and Six Feet Under. (Lost ended too disappointingly to recommend, though I enjoyed most of it.) Oh and I've been catching up on Big Love and Friday Night Lights, which are also great. Anyway, from 2007-09, when BSG and Mad Men were both on TV, I think it's safe to say they were the best two shows on TV at the time.

BSG is really one big epic movie. It was only on for four seasons, but the show wasn't "cancelled". Four seasons were what they needed to tell the story. And the quality stays consistent all the way through. It never goes off track or jumps the shark, unlike some shows (*cough* Lost *cough*).

I don't want to say anything about the plot, other than the basic premise, which is a pretty cool one. Of course it's based on the original show from the '70s, but I hadn't known anything about that either. Basically the premise is that humans originated on a planet called Kobol, which they then abandoned, founding colonies on twelve different planets (each with names like Caprica, Sagittaron, Tauron, Gemenon ... you get the idea). They create intelligent robots called Cylons, who eventually rebel and launch a war against the humans, managing to wipe out nearly all of them, except for the Battlestar Galactica and a fleet of civilian ships, about 50,000 people in all. Fleeing the Cylons, their only hope is to find the "mythical" thirteenth colony called ... Earth.

But like any great show, a main reason for watching is the cast. I always love it when an actor whose face or name we've always known but whom we've maybe never given their due as an actor is finally given a stand-out leading role that allows us to see him or her in a new way. On Lost it was Terry O'Quinn. On BSG it's Edward James Olmos, who is really amazing. I also love Mary McDonnell, who plays the President of the Twelve Colonies. Apparently the creator of the show wrote the part with her in mind, based on her performance in Donnie Darko (she was Donnie Darko's mom, you'll remember), then cast her afterwards.





















And then there's my, and a lot of people's, favorite character, Starbuck, played by Katee Sackhoff. Starbuck was a man on the original show, but on the new one she isn't. I'm almost tempted to say she's the "soul" of the show, but I could say the same thing about Adama or Roslin or probably several other characters as well. All you need to know is that this is a large and strong cast all around. A "deep bench", you could say.



























Anyway, I'm sure you had fun reading this informative blog post, but what you should do now is just go to Netflix (sign up if you have to) and watch the whole thing right now. Yes, it takes place in outer space, but if that kind of thing puts you off, please don't let it this time. There are no aliens on the show, if that makes you feel better. The show is all about great characters and all kinds of contemporary political and ethical issues, but in the end it's about nothing less than life, death, and the meaning of human existence. The final episodes make for one of the most satisfying and bittersweet conclusions to a story I've ever seen.

NAUGHTY KITTY RIDES AGAIN


Naughty Kitty punches baby: Naughty Kitty caught in action.
“I love you,” he said quietly, lowering himself over
Northeastern Maui.

His sexy boyfriend riding him, Naughty Kitty sneaks some roses
While Mommy's not looking!
And by da time she almost catches him,
He shoots through again!

Such a naughty naughty kitty.

Me rides safe wif Santa. Superfly the Supermodel wants to ride his bike
All around the island and not be a good kitty and sit all day
On the elves pushing the catapult.

"Now," she prompted, "hold up the mitten and walk toward somebody and say,
'What naughty kitten has lost his mitten?' Then slip it on his hand and say,
'A dog is at his wits' end when his mistress adopts a stray kitten.'"

Naughty Kitty wrote:
"Some naughty toy stores are neon-signed sleaze-baskets
Where you kinda feel great, as if all you need is
Huge selection, fair prices, and feminist sensibilities."

And lemme tellya, this kitten is goooooooooood medicine.
He might get knighted some day so I can add “Sir” to the whole thing
But right now he's too naughty to be a knight:
A human falls face-first to the ground and later dangles from an amusement park ride.
Makes my heart purr again to see kittens playing with their mom.

Here's the conversation that occurred on the golf cart ride from his bus
To the grounds of the ACL Festival:

"Such a naughty kitty you are Yugito-chan," said Naruto thrusting upward.
Said Yugito riding him harder, "I must make a mental note to visit Temari again
To give her another naughty kitty."

And that's the end of my romance.
You shall have no pie.

THE DONALD DID MY BRAZILIAN


The Donald did my Brazilian and did the best job that I have ever had—
Already made my next appointment and referred my friend to Donald as well.
Donald really focused on my problem areas
Rather than doing the same old testicles, penis, crack, buttocks,
Groin and area in between my butt.

My interest in the male Brazilian wax began
When George W. Bush killed bin Laden.
Naturally, I don't need either of these on my honeymoon,
But I did buy the Groupon.

This was my second Brazilian wax in South Tampa. I said,
"I heard you offer something called the Naughty Kitty Brazilian. What's that?
Will you use hard wax on my kitty if I have sensitive skin?"

The Donald said, "I once remonstrated with a black man
Who spat in front of my New York house and almost ended up
Eviscerated on Twitter, but I did receive a much-needed Brazilian wax,
Maintaining all those values cosmetologists perform.
It's about time the President did this.
When did things get so out of hand? Just a few generations ago
Women got me thinking about, of all things, pubic hair.
One more bowl of Tibetan soup and another Brazilian wax
And all will be forgotten."

So what does a Brazilian look like?
The first thing I did was run right to Google.
The Brazilian has only been popular in America since the early '90s, but
I've always had friendly, chatty women slathering hot wax on me.
My prof told me it was found a little insulting if someone did so.
Color me surprised. Everyone knows a Brazilian wax is the best.

The Donald's voice never ceases to bring a smile to my face
Even though I've been trying to get my wife to do this for some time.

Feel the love, bro!

Trust me, it may even become a legal problem later
If you do not take my advice now.

MY OTHER FLATULENT CAT IS AN AYN RAND GROUPIE


For anyone unfamiliar with the plot of Rand's flatulent wanksterpiece,
"I Fucked Olga Korbut", the title is a quote from a cool cat,
And it resonated with my flatulent old dog.

In short, this and so many other factors contributed to
Dennis Miller grinning like a fucking
Pig-screwing cross-dresser with a life-long flatulence problem
Asked to help found an Ayn Rand club.

But I much prefer the traditional trendy hip cat,
Like Bill Clinton crossed with Shrek. However,
Next thing I know, I'm sitting at Smitty's restaurant with my groupies,
And in walks Ayn Rand with some junk mail. I must have it...
To spray on my cat!

"That is a shaky cat," Senator Mike Lee recently giggled while describing Beck.
Every man has a right to his opinion,
But no man has a right to be wrong about the facts.
I am still waiting for the advent of the computer science groupie.

As a business owner, I'd rather fire my workers and hire a Norwegian Forest Cat.
But gosh kiddies, if we can find other players in the game so easily,
This (along with many other things) is what comes with
Early sports books given to me by Jesus Christ of Nazareth.

Now I have to wear this American burqa night and day
Or my cat will hold the legal publishing rights of
"The Simplest Thing in the World" by Ayn Rand (1940).
It contains, among other things, a prayer for George Bush's
Electronic flatulent pig.

I think my cat hit on you in a lightning storm, right?
I really would love to see some lovely shots for my website.

WHO BARFED IN BIN LADEN'S BANANA HAMMOCK?


RIP Osama bin Laden,
Scratching his head as he pondered
The g-string banana hammock and wife.

Even just typing that made me barf in my mouth a little.
Bin Laden is worm food.
I'd like to shake the hand(s) of those who got the job done,

Flaunting their stuff in variations of the classic banana hammock.
They have not forgotten
That Rhode Island barfed up black seafood innards and Jägermeister.

We got the DEATH PICS of Osama bin Laden (warning...
I feel like there are at least six grass- or barf-flavored ones
For every tasty one in the box.)

What are you eatin'? Just a geezer in suspenders and a banana hammock
With a built-in Werther's Originals pouch.
I'd hit it! I mean top and bottom ... now that is just nasty!

Remember that time that we got a good belly laugh, bleached mohawk,
Extremely questionable facial? I got blindfolded,
Kidnapped from my dorm and taken to a "Male Revue"...

Thank God that Danny had given me an anti-barf pill on the way.
I love eating them fast! And then barfing them up
And Osama bin Laden too. Osama bin Laden was hiding

For a banana hammock nap
Which occupied the bottom half of the world.
All greased up and writing in a banana hammock are not hot,

Especially when it is a “personal brand”
Which is just grade-A YUCK FART BARF, which is what I
Just crapped blood into. I guess you laugh

And shit and barf a lot too,
With fried plátanos (non-sweet bananas) on the side and lots of beer.
Well sure, we are all Wisconsinites now.

Raise your hand if you still need to be informed that the first sentence of that Martin Luther King "quote" is fake. Anybody?

I'M GLAD HE'S DEAD


Yes, I'm very glad he's dead. He was never funny.
He was annoying. I'm glad he's dead
But I feel weird about celebrating.
No, I'm not glad he's dead.

None of the above. I do not believe he's dead. I'm glad he's dead.
I'm glad he suffered. I hope this doesn't speak too much of the blackness of my soul.
Short and simple: I'm GLAD he's dead
And I truly rejoice, HOWEVER let's be perfectly honest,

I could care less if he's dead or alive,
It's your behavior that was turning into a dictator.
I'm super torn. I'm glad he's dead. I'm ashamed that I'm glad he's dead.
I'm savagely gleeful that he met his end at the hands of soldiers.

What if I'm GLAD he's dead? He's not the only one,
But he's in my top five of cartoons that both suck and blow.
I'm glad he's dead, even if it's just a ghost of the CIA's imagination.
I'm glad he's dead and I'm going to drink a glass of bourbon

Like it's his blood. But I'm sure as hell not going to celebrate
Like the Mets just won a World Series.
I'm glad he's dead. Even if he wasn't a pedophile,
I'm sweaty with glee. I don't even feel bad about it. Seriously,

What a hipster douchebag, I'm now glad he's dead.
I would shoe his corpse if I were there,
But I'm not. So I'm getting piss-fucking-drunk.
I'm not celebrating. I'm relieved. I'm glad he's dead,

But I'm not cheering. I see him as a rabid dog.
He kept biting, and biting. I'm glad he's dead. Very glad
And it might be the first time I've actually celebrated a death.
I'm in the majority here it appears. I'm glad he's dead,

And congratulations on the great job to those responsible.
My only regret is that I'm glad he's dead.

LOCKED UP IN THE AIR


Effective immediately I am no longer
in command of this eroded mode,

representing a shift in floral policy. The sky
has made mincemeat of our mall.

Trapped dreams call for beautiful lies
safe now in our apartments of utensils

buffed and rebuffed before sleep.
This is the last stop, everyone

please leave the train. Nobody here
but us unused minutes.

"I know we've had our disagreements..."



"Must be this space is getting to me too..."

When I was little I thought that the reason The Wizard of Oz switches to color partway into the movie was because color cinematography was invented midway through the production of the film.