AT LIBERTY


Other than the commission of
a pert gleam, speaking to grace will

only result in fandom. This drug isn't
a real one mixed in with nice

ladies. Can you handle your
gash as though you are

a flaming arrow? If not,
step inside the aura you'd

rather be seen through, more
funny than finally neutral.

I got Glamoured

No, really. Check it out: "Guy Blogger vs. Girl Blogger: The True Cost of a First Date"

THE LAST TIME I SAW PARIS


My feet framed an area the fog looked
On accusingly. Plankton weren't all
They could be. Druids were natural
Sex-havers when checking facts
With the lights off, but the plagiarist
Was on vacation, bored and surfing.

Misery captured elegantly
The turgid day's surrender.
Filing cabinets and beleaguered
Television sets presented themselves
In every enclosed patio. With every new
Gyration we encountered a sieved
Remonstrance. Aches in us were throwbacks
To smoothing medicinally down
Our dreams: they smiled on the resulting
Lather worked into our heady remains.

I asked out a stranger on the subway

I was on the M train going home after work, alternately watching and pretending not to watch—in an intentionally visible way—an attractive twenty-something woman talking to her friend about her sex life. It was hard not to keep looking at her, which was fine with me since I had no intention of not looking at her. She was somewhat short, but not really. She had sort of curly dark hair, thick dark eyebrows—but not really all that thick—and a face that I guess I would call a Jewish face. This is probably a wrong thing to say, but I say it with true praise and warm feelings. I'm just trying to give you a ballpark picture of her appearance, so make of it what you will. She might not be Jewish at all, who knows? Also, she wore browline glasses, which never look less than fantastic on a woman, I think. As she spoke, her facial expressions were wonderfully expressive. (Strong eyebrows are always such a help in that area.) However, I should admit that her face was not exactly the first physical aspect of her that drew my attention. When she had boarded the train, I was reading a book, and so my eyes were what you might call downcast. It was from this perspective that my gaze landed instantly on her legs and her perfectly wide and shapely hips, which were encased in the most exquisitely formfitting pair of beige(?)-colored Capri(?) pants, above which was an inch or so of bare skin followed by some sort of magenta (wild guess, I don't remember) top, and eventually, yes, her face. Although I find the word annoying, I will go ahead and say that she had a general look you might characterize as "hipster", if that helps you. (Contributing to this vibe was her suggestion to her friend that they pick up some PBR at the store later.) In other words, she was a hot, nerdy, cute, hot, beautiful Brooklynite, aged 21-25 or thereabouts. Just my (stereo)type!

Meanwhile, I was listening as well as looking. I couldn't hear every word, but she mentioned that she'd been with a guy the night before, and that it (it = sex) had been good but not as good as she'd been hoping. "How so?" was the approximate question asked by her friend. "Oh, just that he was only into the same old positions..." began the approximate answer, which trailed off more or less exactly as that ellipsis indicates, according to my memory. But in general she sounded quite pleased with the experience and was in a quite cheerful mood. The two friends talked a little more about this, that, and the other, and soon it came time for them to switch to the J train. I followed them as they exited the M, went down the platform a little way, and boarded the waiting J.

By this time my heart was pounding out of my chest. Having made brief eye contact already, I knew it was likely she had noticed me following them on to the train. The sex talk also contributed to my accelerating pulse. Standing very close to her, I was about to speak, but the timing wasn't quite right, so I waited until they got off the train, luckily just one more stop.

"Excuse me," I said as we stepped onto the platform together. We continued walking.

"Yes? [or a word to that effect]," she replied pleasantly, seeming not in the least surprised.

"I wanted to ask you..."

"Uh-huh?"

"This isn't something I normally do, but..."

"That's okay, ask away." (I don't really think she phrased it that way; I don't remember any rhyming. But it's as close as my memory will permit.)

"Well, I was just wondering ... if there's any way I could buy you a drink sometime."

Now she did seem surprised, which surprised me, but neither her surprise nor my surprise was bad surprise. Smiling, laughing, possibly blushing (I never know how to spot blushing—I feel like it's a myth), she said, more or less, "Oh, actually I'm dating someone right now but that's really flattering, thank you!"

I acknowledged her reaction with an appropriate expression of good-natured gentlemanly resignation, smiling right along with her and saying, "Yeah, I just saw you and had to ask."

"It's very flattering. Thank you."

"Have a good night," I said, gracefully taking leave and heading back in the direction from which we'd come.

"You too!" she said over her shoulder.

After waiting a minute or two for them to leave the station, I turned around again and continued toward the exit. I crossed to the opposite platform, as I had to go back one stop to catch my M train.

I was sad that she wasn't available, but I'm glad I made her feel good, and that she had a friend there to witness it, which I'm sure made it all the better for her. I'm not a person who goes around doing nice things for people, so hopefully this doesn't sound like bragging. It's just that it feels good to be able to do something like that every once in a while. Quite the adrenaline rush too. I chugged a tall cup of water when I got home.

And that's the story of the second time I've asked out a stranger on the subway. (Sorry if that's anticlimactic.)

Why am I not seen as boyfriend material?

On a date the other night we were talking about relationships. We asked each other about our last serious relationships. She's divorced. I said I've never been in a serious relationship. Whenever this comes up on dates, my date is always shocked. It's even more shocking now that I've turned 30. They always ask why I've never been in a serious relationship. I can only say, "I don't know, it just hasn't happened yet." Or I might say, "I got a late start, dating-wise." I didn't really start dating until my mid-20s. But I still can't figure out why no one has ever wanted to have me as their boyfriend. I've had very short "relationships" with a handful of women in the last few years, but it never comes close to being serious, even though I've wanted it to in several cases. So why is this? Why does no one think of me as boyfriend material?

Incidentally, I'm not sure dating someone much older or younger than me is all I've cracked it up to be. My date the other night was 15 years older. We just didn't feel like equals. It felt like we were a grownup and a kid. The upside of this was that she paid for everything, which I didn't object to at all. Even though the date ended in dull ho-hum fashion, the fact that I walked away without having spent a dime made me positively giddy.

2 ppl u shld def #FF

Resuming Howards End, which I started a couple years ago, right away I come across some passages that seem to relate uncannily to my life at the moment. Maybe I'm too eager to see myself in any book I happen to be reading, but this still stands out....

Looking back on the past six months, Margaret realized the chaotic nature of our daily life, and its difference from the orderly sequence that has been fabricated by historians. Actual life is full of false clues and sign-posts that lead nowhere. With infinite effort we nerve ourselves for a crisis that never comes. The most successful career must show a waste of strength that might have removed mountains, and the most unsuccessful is not that of the man who is taken unprepared, but of him who has prepared and is never taken. On a tragedy of that kind our national morality is duly silent. It assumes that preparation against danger is in itself a good, and that men, like nations, are the better for staggering through life fully armed. The tragedy of preparedness has scarcely been handled, save by the Greeks. Life is indeed dangerous, but not in the way morality would have us believe. It is indeed unmanageable, but the essence of it is not a battle. It is unmanageable because it is a romance, and its essence is romantic beauty. 

Margaret hoped that for the future she would be less cautious, not more cautious, than she had been in the past.

A few pages later (dialogue beginning with Margaret):

"...I believe that in the last century men have developed the desire for work, and they must not starve it. It's a new desire. It goes with a great deal that's bad, but in itself it's good, and I hope that for women, too, 'not to work' will soon become as shocking as 'not to be married' was a hundred years ago."  

"I have no experience of this profound desire to which you allude," enunciated Tibby.  

"Then we'll leave the subject till you do. I'm not going to rattle you round. Take your time. Only do think over the lives of the men you like most, and see how they've arranged them."  

"I like Guy and Mr. Vyse most," said Tibby faintly, and leant so far back in his chair that he extended in a horizontal line from knees to throat. 

Dottie Lasky

Adam Robinson

UNMADE


Ever trekking mannerly
Stooped to opinion special
Nothing so strong as sickens
Intentional winter ribbon
Little do it end all cordial 
But we say, sit, or fall
On a bed fresh of air to be 
Lied to I'm used unexpected
Doubt not the trash out
As looking is to stepping
Making is to forgetting so
Batter each letter & bawl

Forgot to mention this on here, but a few months ago I made a foray into art modeling, and you can see the result here. (You can only see my knees, arms, and face, but it might still be NSFW.) It's a portrait of Lux Alptraum, CEO of Fleshbot. Since this was so far outside my normal realm of experience, I had no idea how nervous I would be when the time came to undress in front of total strangers. Turns out I wasn’t nervous in the slightest, and had a really fun time.

Mitfords and more

A couple months ago I bought the above book on impulse, having never heard of the author or her family. It was so good I immediately wanted to learn more, so I read this:

I read the above book in 20 days. It's over 500 pages long. This pace is completely unheard of for me. I couldn't get enough, so before I even finished the above I started on Nancy's books, the two that made her a literary star:

I'm in the middle of Love in a Cold Climate, which is a sequel to The Pursuit of Love. Very funny and enjoyable. All this British stuff made me want more British stuff, so I Netflixed the classic Brideshead Revisited miniseries. It's one of the best miniseries I've ever seen. Very beautiful and sad. I haven't read Waugh but now I want to read all of him. He was a friend of Nancy's and also makes a brief appearance in Jessica's memoir.

This is a good year for living in the past. I would like to live there mentally for this year if you don't mind. Maybe I'll continue doing so next year. I'm not concerned with the future though. The future is full of news and nothing but. That's how it feels to me when I think of it anyway. Other people can worry about the news. Worrying about the news would not be healthy or productive for me, so this is what I'll do: I'll read about the past and learn things, and this way I will feel fine about not paying too much attention to present reality. I think this is a good plan. I've really gotten more into reading in recent months. Nonfiction, which I never used to read much of, has proven especially satisfying. I finish nonfiction books much faster than novels. It's interesting to think about why. "Real events" seem more urgent, I guess. You want to know what happens next because it doesn't just happen next, it actually happened next! Anyway, if you'd like to follow my lead, why not start with the very books I've mentioned? Can't hurt, I promise.

Sex and money

I estimate I've been on about 100 first dates in the last 5 years. I never kept exact count, and I was sort of keeping track by a system I have just at this moment decided to call "vague fives". At the beginning it was easy to remember that I'd been on 5 dates, then 10, etc. So I was able to keep rough track of when 5 more had occurred. And this would seem about right, 20 dates in a year, 1 date every 2.5 weeks or so, though more clustered than that. Actually, now that I think about it, I may be overcounting. When you lose count it can be easy to inflate. I feel like the average is more like 1 first date per month, which would come out to 60 over the last 5 years. But I feel like I've met more than 60 women. My "vague fives" system was working pretty well up to 50.... Let's say 75 and call it a conservative estimate. That's 15 per year, or 1 date every 3 and a half weeks. The bulk of these occurred in the first 2 or 3 years, I would say. The last 2 years have seen a bit of a slowdown as my motivation for dating was often lower than normal during this time for various reasons. Anyway, okay, 75.

Now a typical first date costs me about $12, I believe. Many first dates only last for one drink, and I would guess I pay for both mine and hers slightly more than half the time. (This decision being the one part of dating that never gets less awful or awkward.) Sometimes I manage to get out after paying for just myself (Guinness, $7 incl. tip.) Other times a date will progress to 2nd and 3rd drinks, by which time, in nearly every case, we each pay for our own drinks. These dates cost me about $20-25, but they are less common than the $7-14 dates. So, doing some wild guessing, this brings me to an average of $12 for a first date. I could be hopelessly wrong about that, but let's go with it.

This means that I've spent about $900 on first dates in the last 5 years. Somehow that feels low, but I want to err on the side of not exaggerating the situation.

Now then, I've had intercourse with 9 different women in my life, all in the last 5 years. So, to have sex with someone new, I'm spending about $100. I had sex with a few of them more than once, for a total of about 20 times. This, of course, involves second, third, fourth, etc. dates. So for those "extra" 11 times I've had sex, assuming the same $12 average per date, I've paid $132. Let's call it $130 to keep this nice round number thing going. So, $900 + $130 = $1030. $1030 / 20 acts of intercourse = $51.5 per act of intercourse. Let's call it $50.

So, keeping in mind that I was a straight-B math student, our final figures are:

$100 for sex with someone new.
$50 for sex with anyone.

(For the purposes of this study I'm not including dates that involved "lesser" degrees of sexual contact than intercourse. My math skills are not up to dealing with those subtle variations.)

Now, please understand that I am not complaining about any of this. It's how life works, this cost of dating. It must be done, and I'm happy to do it. I'm just imparting these figures in the same spirit that a park ranger might recite the statistics of the Grand Canyon, with a sense of wonder and awe at the impersonal, ancient, and terrifying beauty of nature.

Hope you found it informative. Let me know if you have any questions or find any errors in my calculations or know of any aspects I failed to consider. Have a nice day.

OUT THERE IS NO NEXT


The end won't look as bad as beginning suggests
through the dark of a laugh. Shelter isn't here,
scolding the leftovers of us as waiting we
out-share our welcome. Should you encounter further 
weather feel free to lift me. Failure is
optional, as now we see each other in
each other running away.

My job search, an example

Here is an ad for the kind of job I would like. Whenever I find an ad for a job I might want to do, this is what happens. I read the description and say, that looks like fun. Then I read the Requirements and see how obvious it is that I will never get that job. For example:


On Figure Photographer
 
Bluefly.com, a leading online merchant offering top designer and name brand apparel and accessories at significant discounts, is looking for an On Figure Photographer to join our Production team. This position will report to the Director of Production / Photography Operations.
 
Responsibilities include:

• Photograph Men’s & Women’s apparel on model in a fully-digital production environment for Bluefly’s online catalog, maintaining the quality and consistency of the Bluefly brand.

• Team with others in Production to insure product is organized and efficiently moved through the production process, ensuring that the number of products photographed meets the needs of the business.
• Work hours for this position will be weekdays and could include some nights and weekends.

 
Skills required:

• BA Degree
• 3-5 years of on figure photography experience
• The ability to work with Photo Producer and Art Director to reach needed shot count
• Similar consumer products experience a plus.
• Must be up to date with current digital photography technology, have strong studio lighting skills and model direction.
• Experience shooting with digital cameras tethered.
• Knowledge of Mac applications including Photoshop, OS X, RAW file conversion, Capture One and basic photo editing skills.
• Excellent communication, verbal, written, and interpersonal skills.
• Ability to work in fast-paced and growing environment.

 
Benefits:
 
In addition to providing a dynamic, highly motivated environment, Bluefly offers its employees: Competitive salary, health and dental benefits, 401K, commuter/parking benefits and an employee discount.
 
Bluefly is an equal opportunity employer.




Now, let me tell you how my qualifications compare with the above, item for item:

• BA Degree
• 0 years of on figure photography experience. This is the first time I've even heard the term "on figure".
• The ability to work with Photo Producer and Art Director to reach needed shot count. (I guess. This is pretty vague.)
• No consumer products experience.
• Am not up to date with current digital photography technology, do not have any studio lighting skills and model direction.
• No experience shooting with digital cameras tethered. What the hell is a tethered camera anyway?
• No knowledge of Photoshop, RAW file conversion, Capture One and who knows what you even mean by "basic" photo editing skills.
• Mediocre communication, verbal, written, and interpersonal skills.
• Very little ability to work in fast-paced environment.

Well, would you hire me?