SNOWFLAKES ARE ASSHOLES 

You're a beautiful, unique snowflake 

Who despises all the other beautiful

And unique snowflakes. You. Are. An. Asshole. 

Don't be an asshole: just say "no" 

To cultural appropriation. It's a pain in my ass 

Passed down from man to man throughout

My consuming and aggressive illness: 

Snowflakes stuck to the asshole. 

It started out as home-defense 

And ended full-ass psycho. 

Then this morning I sat in traffic 

And waved to my asshole neighbor. 

His hips were bouncing faster 

Than any man's hips should move. 

I like how he's supposedly separated 

From his wife but still found time 

To knock her ass up with twins. 

Women are like snowflakes: sassy, libertine, bisexual, 

Married, passionate, ambitious, clever, 

A little bit wild, downright filthy, practically magnetic. 

They aren't banging down your door to be your friend. 

Oh, and snowflakes can also fuck off 

For turning me into the "get off my lawn" guy. 

I make it sound like I was a grade-A asshole 

But really I was just a vegan 

Because I wanted to be a special snowflake. 

I've always wanted to be a special little snowflake 

Almost as much as I've always wanted to be an asshole.