Wednesday, December 6, 2006

Good news: Captain Kidd has decided to release me as his hostage in exchange for thirty gold pieces and a case of brandy. Who says a pirate can't be bribed? (Well, no one, I guess, seeing as how pirates are seen as disreputable people anyway.) Also, I think he took a liking to me when he found out we share a birthday. I don't defend him merely because he's a fellow Aquarian. He really is a stand-up guy once you get to know him. He's a misunderstood figure; a victim of circumstance. And of course the liberal media never tire of smearing this very fine and respectable man, this God-fearing patriot, this truly swell gentleman, who devotes so much of his time and personal wealth to helping the needy in their times of need. Shame on you, Keith Olbermann. Shame on you, Paul Begala. Double shame on you, Jim Lehrer, you queer-loving commie bastard. When will these idiots learn, I ask you? When will they learn?

In any case, I'm enjoying my last few weeks aboard ship before we pull into New York harbor. We're still about a thousand miles out, and we may swing by Bermuda to do some pillaging, if the weather holds. Bill (we're on a first-name basis now) lets me above decks sometimes to get some sun. He even lets me whip his cabin boy with a cat-o'-nine-tails when the lad does something stupid, like forget to polish the Captain's scrotal piercing.

All in all, it's the life for me, as the saying goes, and a part of me will be sad to disembark when we finally drop anchor. Actually, I think I might ask Bill if there are any employment opportunities on the Adventure Galley. Perhaps I could push his first mate overboard and assume that position myself. Of course, one should be careful assuming any position on a pirate ship. It can get very lonely out here, wink wink, nudge nudge. Oh well, anything would beat my last job—document scanner at a doggy daycare. What a drag that was.

Wish me a safe trip home, friends, and I'll be seeing ye stateside ere the new year dawns.

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