Saturday, October 4, 2008

I have been plagiarized

Well, I knew this would happen sooner or later.  Apparently, some scheming ne'er-do-wells have deliberately STOLEN over 3,000 poems from my continuing life-work, The EU Butter Mountains of Old, and have published them as an "anthology" with each poem being credited to a different poet.  I knew my genius would not go unexploited by the freedom-hating blogorissimos who infest every corner of this series of tubes, but I'll be goshdarned—GOSHDARNED, I TELL YOU!—if these scalawags don't expect me to fight back.  Whoever is responsible for this travesty, hear me now: I will use every resource at my disposal, I will stop at nothing, I will chase you round the moons of Nibia and round the Antares maelstrom and round perdition's flame before I give you up!

Here is the cover they've slapped onto MY masterpiece.  Hideous.  Disgusting.  Un-American.


  1. holy crap this is the greatest link ever

  2. What's up with those people?

    I took it as an attempt at conceptualist humor that failed.

    It's useful in compiling a Rolodex, I suppose, or if someone wants to round us all up for a new detention camp (if there will be crafts I don't mind so much).

    Maybe they should call the blog HERE COMES EVERYBODY just to piss the other EVERYBODY guy off.

    I'm being told by BLOGGER below to CHOOSE AN IDENTITY.

    I think I'm going to go with J.Lo.

    Since it's Saturday night. I'll just slip my monkey-faced husband Marc Anthony the knockout drops and then "hey mr. d.j...." all night long or summat.

    Age shall not wither this booty.

  3. Looks like it didn't fail entirely, judging by the hilariously irate comments of some of the "contributors", no?

  4. What they're not telling you people is that this is really a new version of THE's really a transmission from the future telling you in what order we will die...I'm so glad I'm far down this page...

    Poor suckahz in the first line!...go make sure those policies are in order now. I'm going to go bungee jumping later this afternoon. I was always afraid before but now I know (to quote Madonna)..."it ain't my time to go!"

    I'd so hate to be Nada Gordon right now.

  5. Matt, or the poems really all yours, or are you making a conceptualist joke on top of a conceptualist joke?

    Because I thought someone else on there posted the poems were by the actual authors, but had been "switched."

    If it's the former, I'd say you must be the clone of Tao Lin, because marketing gestures don't get any more devious and successful.

    If the latter, I'd say the conceptualist pranksters are seeking to make either a Buddhist or anti-property point...and reinforce the concept of the poetry ocean...which isn't a bad idea, spiritually speaking...

    But everyone prefers the froth on top to the depths below.

  6. I like Mathias Svalina's one line review of it...

    "Really a phenomenal journal, it has a similar aesthetic to The Yellow Pages."

  7. "Matt, or [sic] the poems really all yours, or are you making a conceptualist joke on top of a conceptualist joke?"

    Ha! I guess you didn't recognize the Wrath of Khan reference...

  8. "I'd say the conceptualist pranksters are seeking to make either a Buddhist or anti-property point...and reinforce the concept of the poetry ocean...which isn't a bad idea, spiritually speaking..."

    I gathered that, and hopefully my joke is not in conflict with the sentiment, other than on a surface level.

    I'm a little foggy on the whole "conceptualist" stuff anyway--I thought I was just making a joke!

  9. I don't know about all of this...

    I'm just pissed that you didn't bid up the Ashbery foam finger I was selling on EBAY back in May...

    I mean that thing went for $4.61....

    I guess you had more IMPORTANT things to do while this symbol, this item commemmorating your literary idol, was being sold for mere pennies...

    Oh're the one who has to lie down at night with that thought, not I....

  10. And don't (sic) my comments anymore...I think people will forgive you cut and pasting my typos...

    But the (sic) thing is just obnoxious...

    it's so gay librarian in a cardigan sniffy....

  11. I'm afraid I'll never stop using the [sic] STOP What can I say STOP I just enjoy unnecessary formalities sometimes STOP I also enjoy writing blog comments in the form of telegrams STOP Is there a reason for doing this STOP No STOP I just indulge my whim when I feel like it STOP And besides it's my blog STOP I reserve the right to police the comments I receive as I see fit STOP And oh yeah I saw your "foam finger" on eBay STOP It was obviously just a large winter glove with "Ashbery #1" written in magic marker STOP You tried to use bad lighting, a blank background to eliminate a sense of scale, and blurred the image, all to make it look like a giant foam finger when it was actually not STOP But you didn't fool me STOP I just feel sorry for the poor Ashbery fan who was dumb enough to fall for your trick STOP It's because of you that I've stopped using eBay altogether, so disillusioned I became with the practice of amateur online retail STOP Now I spend the time I save by not using eBay engaging in productive mind-expanding activities STOP Last week I taught myself Portuguese STOP I suggest you follow my example STOP You'll thank me in the end STOP Good day to you STOP

  12. Whoa, if that were an actual telegram, it would be a very expensive one. I need to learn to condense.

  13. LOL...I like was more a poem than a telegram..I think K.K. (not Kevin Killian...the other guy) would like it...


    And what can I say. It's all true.

    I EBAY like a Tatar...the bodies of my enemies are like tater tots before me. I show no mercy.

    (Although I will give you a dollar off shipping if you use the BUY IT NOW OPTION.) Sigh.

  14. Cool title for your life-work Matt... But seriously, Bill's The Ring theory scares me. Sic.

  15. Yeah, that just came to me...